When Dwight Howard broke the shot clock with a monster dunk in the Eastern Conference Finals, it brought back fond memories of young Shaq.
On April 23, 1993, in one of the most famous basketball plays of all time, Shaquille O’Neal brought down the basket on a dunk while playing the New Jersey Nets.
He didn’t just bring it down—he slammed it down. The metal support snapped in half, and O’Neal couldn’t get out of the way before the 24-second clock crashed down on his back.
It was shocking. It was all over the news. Here was a guy like we’d never really seen in the NBA. We’d seen big centers, but nothing like this 300-plus-pound monster who was so powerful and merciless that even the equipment couldn’t stand up to him.
And he was a rookie.
Shaq later cemented his legacy with a handful of championships, but I will always remember him best for being an absolute beast.
He’s not as dominant as he once was, but Shaquille O’Neal still stands 7’1″ tall and weighs 325 pounds. He’s still a diesel.
Later in that same game, Shaq broke Sam Bowie’s nose with his elbow.
So, as Dwight Howard puts size back into the paint for the Orlando Magic, I present for your consideration: “Things Smaller Than Shaquille O’Neal.”
Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen, Combined
This one isn’t a good comparison. That’s because in all reality, Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen combined are still way, way smaller than The Big Aristotle.
According to the Mary-Kate and Ashley fan site at GossipCheck.com, the girls weigh in at 95 and 97 pounds, respectively. They stand only 4’10″ and 5’2″.
That’s right. Shaq weighs 133 pounds more than BOTH OF THEM COMBINED. At their rate, you could add in a fat sister, and they still wouldn’t measure up.
Maybe someday Shaq can visit them in rehab. (Too soon for rehab jokes?)
A Full-Grown Giant Panda
Most full-grown Giant Pandas are still smaller than Shaquille O’Neal.
Giant Pandas are thick and stocky, growing to four to five feet long and topping out around 330 pounds. Keep in mind, that’s on an all-bamboo diet.
Shaq looks downright gangly in comparison, spreading his 325 pounds out over seven feet. Though he might not look all that svelte if he had all that fluffy fur, too.
The real question, however…which one’s cuter?
GE Profileâ„¢ 24.6 Cu. Ft. Top-Freezer Refrigerator with Internal Dispenser
Most refrigerators are smaller than Shaquille O’Neal.
The GE Profileâ„¢ 24.6 Cu. Ft. Top-Freezer Refrigerator with Internal Dispenser, which retails for $1,799, stands a shrimpy 5’9″ and only weighs 295 pounds. That’s more than a foot shorter and 25 pounds lighter than The Big Shaqtus.
Have you ever had to move a fridge? We’re talking at least three grown men (ideally more) to lift it into the bed of a truck.
Yet Shaq’s still got the size advantage over that fridge.
A Standard Bathroom Door
A standard bathroom door is 6’8″ tall and two feet wide.
Shaquille O’Neal is 7’1″ tall, and by my best measurement, he’s two inches wider than two feet at the shoulders.
Obviously, with the money he makes, Shaq doesn’t have to live in a normal-sized house with normal-sized fixtures and doors. I imagine his house is like Big World in Mario, where everything is comically oversized.
Shaq obviously doesn’t use a standard bathroom door. But I’m not about to ask about his toilet.
Every Other Basketball Player, Ever
There has literally never been another player as big as Shaquille O’Neal, in terms of weight, in the NBA.
At one point, Big Diesel tipped the NBA scales at a whopping 340 pounds. It’s safe to say that nobody else has come close.
Down a few pounds last year at 325, he was still the heaviest player in the league. Next up was Yao Ming at 310. The next player wasn’t even above 290.
The second-heaviest I could find was Oliver Miller, who weighed in at 315.
There have been taller players, but somehow I don’t think Shawn Bradley is as intimidating as Shaquille O’Neal.
They’re light and cakey. The only thing with any heft is the cream filling.
A single Twinkie weighs 0.599657 oz. That means that 26.7 Twinkies make up a pound. Put that into Shaq proportions, and you can have 8,677 Twinkies and still come in at a shade under 325 pounds.
To put in other terms, one Twinkie is four inches long. If you lined up one Shaq’s worth of Twinkies end to end, you’d have a Twinkie train over six-and-a-half MILES long.
Shaq’s new nickame: Twinkie Train.
A California King Bed
A California King bed is the largest non-custom bed you can buy. At 84 inches long, it’s four inches longer than a normal King-Size bed.
Which makes it just one inch too short for Shaquille O’Neal.
Shaq isn’t going to sleep in just any old bed anyway. His customized bed is pictured here (remember, he’s the original Superman), and it measures an astounding 15 FEET by 30 FEET.
Just big enough for Shaq, or an entire baseball team.
A Smart Car
Shaquille O’Neal isn’t actually bigger than a Smart Car.
A Smart ForTwo is 5.5 feet tall and 5.5 feet wide, but length-wise is 8.8 feet long. Weight isn’t a good comparison, as a Smart Car (like any car) weighs well over a thousand pounds.
It makes the list, though, for the sheer mind-bending reason that Shaq actually owns one (as pictured).
He reportedly had some custom work done to move the seat back to accommodate his girth. The wheels in that picture aren’t standard either. And he definitely won’t be putting that convertible top up.
So even if Shaq isn’t bigger than a Smart Car on the outside, he’s definitely too big to fit inside without some major adjustments.
The question remains…why would Shaq buy the smallest car he could possibly find?
Me, My Wife, and Our Baby
Finally, my wife and I are pretty average-sized people, and we’ve got a chunky four-month-old baby.
And together, all three of us weigh almost as much as Shaquille O’Neal.
I didn’t want to put a real picture of us up, so this one of Brangelina plus child will have to do. We look pretty much like them anyway.
It’s only when you can compare yourself to Shaq and realize you’re less than half his size that the picture starts to become clear.
The man is just massive.